Of OOCness and School Wide Orgies
by scrawling purple ink
Summary: [Oneshot, the butchering of Hermione x Draco] A parody on the cliches of Hr x D fics, not meant to be taken seriously. Follow our favorite pair as they indulge in embarassing shower scenes, headmasters with twinkling eyes, and other cliches.


**A/N: **A parody on many HR/D fics. Don't murder me for this. I'm just poking innocent fun at the many clichés in a lot of fanfiction. If you take this seriously, you need help. Desperately.

**Disclaimer**: Neither me nor you own this, unless your name is JK Rowling. In of which case you are my best friend. Eh-heh.

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"...and without further ado, let us toast to the new Heads Boy and Girl: Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger!" Dumbledore said, smiling benevolently, his blue eyes twinkling knowingly at the pair because in these types of fics, he always somehow knows that 'Mione and Drakey-poo will be falling in love and will have no problem with it despite the fact the Draco is obviously on the Dark side, but whatever.

Hermione and Draco grudgingly-secretly ecstatically trudged angstily to their new Head Boy and Girl rooms, which were conveniently and not at all cliché-dly the same dorm. Draco opted to take a bath, because he's le fuckable and fuckable boys get themselves into peeping Tom...er, Tina situations all the time.

So la dee effing da, he went to take his bath in an enchanting pool sized tub, and took forever because he was sexily washing his hair just _so_, so that later on when Hermione fell in love with him despite hating him for seven years, the author could say that she ran her hands through his _silky_ blond hair while she kissed his _surprisingly_ soft lips.

Hermione waited impatiently for Draco to finish because for convenience she absolutely had to be in the bathroom _now_. We're going to call it a bathroom in this fic because despite the fact that the Brit term is "loo", we're Americans and don't give a crap. By the way, Hermione was now suddenly gorgeous, her hair was no longer bushy but _wavy_, and she was curvaceous yet slim with full pink lips and was basically the embodiment of female beauty. Suddenly. Oh, and the past six years of showing signs of liking Ron in a Non-Platonic Way was just friendship, because it makes it easier for the author to do that than have a love triangle. Anyway. Despite the fact that Draco was in all his naked glory behind a two inch thick barrier of wood, she was about to walk in.

_I'm going to go in,_ thought Hermione (coughstatingtheobviouscough).

So she went in, because, um...she had to pee. A lot. Thank god for convenient plot devices.

So naturally everybody's favorite Slytherin (meaning the one who everyone wanted to get in the pants...er, robes...of) was not wearing a towel to cover himself despite that's generally what you do to get dry when you're wet, and so Hermione saw him naked. Of course he had all sorts of toned muscles and whatnot. And a big tool, as a muy macho character should. The main characters always have to be perfect, you know.

_Wow, Malfoy's not bad looking...Wait, what am I thinking! This is Malfoy, for heaven's sake! Death eater-to-be!_ She thought (the only intelligent one she's had so far). But despite this, she ignored the intelligent little voice in her head and in an OOC fit of impulsiveness, kissed him hungrily. Most of us can't blame her, but this is Hermione. Oh well.

Now, most of you know that kissing your enemy while he is naked is Not The Done Thing. One would think that Hermione would know this, being a bit of a goody goody, but for the sake of this fic she doesn't. Yay for creative license.

So anyway, there they were, macking desperately...Hermione ran her hands through Draco's _silky_ blonde hair (I _told_ you leaving the conditioner in works!)as they sucked face and moaned as his surprisingly _soft _lips ravished her own. Despite the fact that he's a guy and guys tend to have rougher lips because they mostly don't put on chapstick. Maybe he's a transsexual. The world may never know.

Hermione then proceeded to reach down to the blond's navel...then lower...

The following has been censored because we don't want to tempt ffnet's administration to murder this, do we, preciousssss?

Anyway. They proceeded to get their freak on, and of course they both orgasmed at the same time because it's more romantic that way. Despite the fact that generally, sex is messy and painful and not very fun when you first try (because yes, Hermione is a virgin. Lyke omfg. Totally.) And of course the uncensored version makes it seem as if the lemon is going on for hours, even though it only takes about three minutes to orgasm, and Hermione is extremely skilled even though she's never done this before. Mmyep.

Afterwards, in the marvelous afterglow of sex (gasp!) Hermione _finally _realized that engaging in sexual relations with the enemy is Not The Done Thing, and proceeded to proclaim it to Draco. _What have I done?_ She thought angstily.

"We can't do this!" She cried, angstily.

"We must part ways forever," He replied, angstily.

"Let us never speak of this again!" She said through tears, looking beautiful with her suddenly-mysteriously long lashes clinging to tears that sparkled like diamonds held to the light and all that overdone descriptive angstyness. Even though crying makes you red-faced and your nose runs, Hermione is a Fiction Heroine (not heroin, Heroine) and thus looks gorgeous at all times. Somehow.

"Fine," Draco said angstily, yet macho and hot at the same time.

So they left and were angsty and in the end got back together through some means or other and faced Voldemort and lived happily ever after, lived to ripe old ages, and had twelve children. And Draco became Minister of Magic.

And Dumbledore sat in his office, smiling benevolently at the wall and twiddling his thumbs, eyes twinkling knowingly (how do they do that at all times, anyway?).

Somewhere, far, far away, Joanne Kathleen Rowling sat up in her bed, in a fine sheen of sweat, tears streaming down her face from the memory of a horrible, horrible nightmare.

PS- And since the other characters of the HP world weren't mentioned at all, let's just say that they were participating in a school wide orgy. Quit staring, it's a perfectly normal practice. Cough.


End file.
